Say NO to Bullying!

Bullying... whether its in the workplace or at school, everyone comes into contact with it at some point in their lives.

Unfortunately in my job I have to deal with it on a daily basis between children, and then at a professional level, between teachers.

Sadly I've learned over the years that there are 2 types of people - those who like to bully - usually for bolstering their egos...and those who are prone to the bullying, due largely to a tendency to be over-compliant and to under-complain (yes I realise I'm inventing my own words...but its been a long week... so deal with it...)

The trouble is, that bullies rarely change, unless the tables are turned and they themselves are bullied, and this is unlikely to happen as those that are prone to bullying, do not have it in their nature to take on a bullying role in the first place... and so the bullying cycle subsists...

Whilst it may not be comforting whilst one is being bullied... it is important to remember that bullies have the following undesirable attributes:

1. Exceptionally low self esteem... think about it - if you have to hurt and belittle others to make yourself feel good...then you really mustn't have anything good going for you at all

2. Low to mediocre skill sets... The only way bullies feel they can make themselves look good to others is to stomp on people that are better than them. People who aren't bullies excel and shine on their own.

3. No genuine friends... if your only friends are those who feel safe around you because you beat up on others - then you must be a pretty lonely person right?

4. No moral standards... whether you are religious, spiritual agnostic or atheist... most people believe in "doing unto others as you would have them do unto you" or "kharma" or whichever other name you choose... the point being this is the lowest common denominator of any moral or belief system... bullies haven't even got that.

In the face of bullying it is easy to feel maligned and to want revenge... but revenge always comes at a cost - and its usually a cost to one's health or well-being... nothing is worth compromising on that.

Whilst I do not advocate in letting bullies "get-away" with their wayward behaviour, sometimes, when all decent and logical action seems to have failed I advocate making the decision that best serves the needs of one's health and mental well-being over anything else.

It may appear that the bully has won, and you may feel like you have lost... but realistically in the end bullies never win...

A lifetime of solitude and inadequacy is never a win, so whilst bullies think they have won... nothing can change the inadequacy they feel inside and so again they are unhappy... until they find the next person to bully... but its never enough,

But if you are on the receiving end of someone's bullying, sometimes placing yourself in a new environment, with new people with a different energy means a potential new start for you... to excel and shine all over again.. and you will... as you always do...

Its not important what others think, whats important is how you feel... and life's to short not to feel happy as much as possible.

Blessings to all those of you that shine on your own... and to the bullies out there (not that you would be reading this) but enjoy loneliness, inadequacy, mediocrity and darkness - you've got it and its no less than you deserve!

Losing Control?

I have some clients that are experience extremely difficult situations in their lives and many times when we talk about what gets the down the most… the conversation seems to always revert back to the issues in their lives they have no control over: this is always what gets them down the most.

This is understandable. I’m a control freak and I hate the idea that so many things in my life are not just dependent on my actions but the actions of other people, be they work colleagues, family, friends or anybody!

An unexpected car accident… A work colleague having different ideas… A boss who is cranky… the weather… time interruptions… emergencies…. Whoa!!!

Quite often I have the feeling that everything is reeling out of control! Clients will come to me thinking that they can change things. They want to make things more within their control. How can I fix this? How can I bring things back to under my rule?

Unfortunately this is an unhelpful attitude. If I were to tell you that you can take control of absolutely everything in your life would really be just a big fat lie. You cant. Instead of changing the situation, in these circumstances, I find that its time to change my perception: to change my feeling.

Firstly I remind myself of the need to recognise and accept that there will always be things in life that can’t be controlled. That is just the nature of life and living.

Secondly, instead of adding up all the things I cant control in my life, I switch the focus and start listing the things that I can control. I try to make sure the list is a true list. I Include even the smallest of things that I have control over.

Thirdly, I take charge of the things I can control and start ticking them off my list. I am always surprised how good I feel once I start doing this.

For example, most people that know me know that I was living in a very small space for quite a number of years. I did not like unit living and the people in the units around me were very careless and dirty with the common areas. The body corporate were slack and would not send the cleaners or the repairers despite my constant harassing and I was becoming very depressed and angry about the situation.

I spent way to looking being upset and down... then it finally occurred to me I had to change my focus or I was just going to make myself sick. I could not move, so I had no control over where I lived and moving was not an option. I could not MAKE the body corporate do what they were supposed to do and send the cleaners. I realised that I was going to have to put up with a situation that was not ideal if I had to continue living there.

I decided to focus on something else. What I could control was my own space, so I listed ways I could make my unit and verandah look great. I also thought about what I could possibly do to make the common areas more tidy and safe. I bought a broom and swept away the debris and cleared some trees that were scratching some peoples cars. I also started talking to some other people to find out how we could go about changing the body corporate that wasn't really working for us.

I felt better immediately. Nothing had changed about the situation... only my focus had changed and it made all the difference. I felt like I had control. And for me that feeling is REALLY important... maybe its the same for you?

Depression & Guilt... the Double Whammy!

A friend of mine recently expressed something to me that I think many people experience during down times and I wanted to share and talk about this openly.

She is having a bit of a hard time with her work at the moment and can feel quite a bit down. We can all relate to this I’m sure. However, while she is down, she then makes herself feel worse by saying to her self things like…

“I am being stupid… I have nothing to be down about…. There are so many people who are worse off than me… who have worse lives than me etc…”

This thinking, whilst sometimes can be helpful is often times more damaging.

My friend is not a selfish person: in fact she is probably one of the most selfless people I know. She is always looking out for other people and is conscious of how others feel.

It is true that there are always people who are worse off than us, but… there are always people who are better off as well. The important thing to remember is that it is not about those other people. Our happiness depends on us… not anyone else or their circumstances. If we feel down, it means there is something wrong that needs to be fixed/helped. It could be something as simple as needing some positive re-enforcement or something as complex as requiring medication or hospitalisation. Whilst we can all choose to be empathetic, compassionate and selfless, we are always the only star in the feature film of 'our life'. Other people don’t really feature in the feature film, so they cannot therefore be useful in the mending of our own torn feature film tape.

Beating ourselves up and making ourselves feel bad while we are already feeling down is just going to exacerbate the situation. Don’t feel guilty about realising that you are down - its our brain's way of telling us that something needs to be done to help ourselves.

We are all human beings worthy of help, happiness and love.
Let’s commit to:

• empathise with those that are in worse situations than us,
• accept that there are also those that are better off than us; and most of all
• to make sure we appreciate what we do have by ensring that if we aren’t feeling 100%, we all we can to work towards feeling happier and mentally healthier again…

... NO GUILT...!!!