Friends

My best friend Hayley said it’s been far too long since I’ve added a post to my blog so I decided to write one, and I decided to make it about the value of friendship.


Whilst we sometimes think we are completely independent, self-sufficient individuals it is actually the relationships we have in our lives that make us completely fulfilled. After all what is success and achievement if we cannot share the success and achievement with someone we love.

Equally, how can the bad times, the failures, the set-backs be bearable or turned into learning experiences without the support and encouragement of those same people.

As we get older, we find that we have less time for everything, less time for work, less time for family, less time to get things done generally. Were never actually sure how this has happened because the days, weeks and months contain the same number of hours but it somehow seems to be true for everyone I know.

This often means our friendship group has been diminished somewhat… and sometimes people worry this is a negative thing… but in actual fact it’s a positive. What is happening is that we are becoming more discerning about who we spend our time with.

Because time is so valuable it’s important that we spend time only with those who share our values, believe in us, share positive energy and bring us joy. So if you find your circle of friends getting smaller don’t despair but rejoice in the fact that those that you still have are those that are the most precious.

Hayley’s emails brighten my day, her text messages checking in on me bring a smile to my face and our catch ups are full of laughter, fun and hugs. Our conversations enrich my life and the time we spend together is treasured time; time that I can’t get enough of; time that I look forward to and cherish.

So let today be a day of counting the blessings we have that are our friends. To all my friends, I am grateful for the blessing that is your friendship.

To Ronit, Nadia and Gen as well, thank you for your love and support recently as I’ve needed it and as always you have been there.

My deepest love to you all.

Thank you universe for giving us friends!

P.S. For links to Ronit and Gen's wonderful websites please see the links at the bottom of my page!

Words of Wisdom

Lady Gaga? I'm a free B*tch Baby...

Most of you probably never thought that I would be promoting Lady Gaga… but here goes… Last night at one of her sell out concerts she made a statement. She said “it is not fair to fight for your individuality SOME of the time. You need to be fighting ALL the time, every single day for your individuality”

What a fantastic statement. Having worked in counselling for some time, one of the most common causes of depression in clients is generally the result of incongruence between how the client perceives themselves to be, and how he/she feels he/she must act on a daily basis in there workplace and social life. No wonder people become depressed and disillusioned. It’s hard to fake it all day everyday.

Feeling like we have to conform to all different types of societal expectations can have a lasting and draining effect on the human psyche. From the clothes you feel you must wear to an interview, to the lines you feel you must say to get the job and then keep it… it’s a wonder we don’t all crash a lot sooner than we do.

So how can we avoid this? Do we just throw caution to the wind and go to work in flannel pyjamas and tell the boss he’s an +r+ehole? That’s probably not the best idea either.

It’s important that you choose to spend a certain amount of the day doing something that you believe in. It doesn’t matter whether it’s for financial gain or for emotional gain – you have to believe that something that you do in your day MATTERS.

It’s also important to have expressed yourself somehow. Whether you choose colours to wear that make you happy or you have a chat to a friend over coffee – sharing feelings with others is an essential part of your everyday happiness.

Sometimes its as simple as being true to your values. If you value sincerity then make sure at the end of the day you can identify having been seen as truthful in all your dealings: be they with colleagues, friends, family members…whoever! If you value compassion then show some empathy to at least one person you cross paths with in a day. If you love your friends then tell one a day that they MAKE your day.

I’m proud to be an individual but I also realise I NEED to be for my own mental health. Each day I think about my values and try to do a stock take of the things I have done that day which demonstrate I have “lived-out” those values. It’s amazing that even just starting that list can make me feel better immediately.

Remember you are not fair to yourself if you are only fighting SOMETIMES for your individuality. Fight for it all the time - every single day!

Love Lessons

I haven’t written for awhile and am neck deep in thesis writing but I felt I should share this article I wrote some time ago (around 4 years ago) with everyone.

Love Lessons

I was conducting parent teacher interviews recently. I was asked all the usual questions about how students were progressing with their studies and I would pinpoint areas that could be improved etc. Then it came time to chat with the mother of a boy, who, while being cheerful and happy, was not doing any work in my class at all.

His mother was quite irate and took notes vigorously on the things that she needed to tell her son to complete and submit. She said she was going home to have a long chat with him and to tell him to pull his socks up!

“I’m going to read him the riot act,” she said. However as she started to leave the meeting she turned around and said, “but at the end of the day, I’m going to love him, because that’s really all you can do isn’t it?”

Now I’m not a parent, but I know there was truth in what she said and I knew from then on, that her child would be successful. I replied “that’s exactly what I believe. I tell the students I love them too.” And I do, everyday I tell my students that I love them. Sometimes they look at me with bewildered expressions on their faces. Some will say “you cant say that, Miss, you’ll get in trouble” but the truth is, I have to love them, they need to be loved.

Why am I so certain of this? It is well established that love is one of the basic needs of life. When you have a new born baby, there is nothing but love. The baby is helpless by itself and can only grow and progress with the love of parents through providing food, warmth and touch. The baby needs this love 24 hours a day. Then as the baby starts to grow, each milestone experienced is dependent on the constant love from the parents. How much time is spent chatting away to a baby, pointing and identifying people and objects or encouraging baby to say his first words? How much love and attention is given holding hands and moving little feet, helping baby take his first steps? Many times when babies are neglected, their development is delayed. This is because a baby needs to feel loved, confident and secure enough to progress into the next stage of development.

However when I child becomes of school age, all of a sudden the tables are turned, Rather than being with the parents all day, now most of the waking hours are spent at school with strangers in unfamiliar surroundings and around unfamiliar faces. Certainly there is still love and security at home but what about school? From school age onwards, there are still so many milestones a child must face but this time without the parents presence – learning to read, learning to write, to spell, to calculate, share, compete etc. Now more than ever they need the love that they have left at home to help them through these milestones. This is why a teacher’s love is so important.

Most success stories you hear in life are based on love. Whenever you see a sports star or an actor achieving something wonderful they always thank their father, mother or partner for their constant love and support. They don’t say its through their studies or reading a book that they became successful. It’s through love that successful people are produced.

As a teacher, I strive to provide this love. I want the students in my classroom to feel love above anything else. If they can enter my classroom and feel that I love and support then I know that they will feel confident and secure enough to take on the challenge of a new activity, speak in front of their peers, try something new or share new ideas, This is how true learning takes place. This is the making of success.

So sure, my students look at me strangely sometimes when I tell them I love them. But I not that it means a lot to them. Just the other day when I was cross with one of my classes, a student called out, “But you still love us miss… don’t you?” I couldn’t help but break into a smile. I knew I was doing something right. He best lesson you can give a child is to appreciate how much they are loved – to feel love and to love others. After that, every other lesson is a breeze.

Those effected by the floods - we are here for you

The floods are effecting so many people in Australia at the moment. I am watching the television and am so emotional seeing not just the physical damage and loss of houses and memories and belongings: but I am especially emotional and speechless at the loss of lives of people: families and children... its devastating and my heart goes out to everyone effected.

I am also amazed at the courage of those people in need and the empathy of those not affected but who are giving a hand. Its heart warming to see such compassion and generosity... Australians are truly amazing people.

Experiencing loss is difficult for everyone and everybody - no one is exempt from grief. I don't have a lot to offer, but I am extending my services as a counselor for whoever might need them.

If you require loss or grief counseling or just generally need to talk about the current events or concerns you may have for the future or about things you have seen, please feel free to contact me. I am offering free phone, face to face or email counseling for whoever needs it. Please dont feel you have to tough things out alone.

My phone number is 0404 513 573. My email is tina.riveros@gmail.com

Take care everyone!

Say NO to Bullying!

Bullying... whether its in the workplace or at school, everyone comes into contact with it at some point in their lives.

Unfortunately in my job I have to deal with it on a daily basis between children, and then at a professional level, between teachers.

Sadly I've learned over the years that there are 2 types of people - those who like to bully - usually for bolstering their egos...and those who are prone to the bullying, due largely to a tendency to be over-compliant and to under-complain (yes I realise I'm inventing my own words...but its been a long week... so deal with it...)

The trouble is, that bullies rarely change, unless the tables are turned and they themselves are bullied, and this is unlikely to happen as those that are prone to bullying, do not have it in their nature to take on a bullying role in the first place... and so the bullying cycle subsists...

Whilst it may not be comforting whilst one is being bullied... it is important to remember that bullies have the following undesirable attributes:

1. Exceptionally low self esteem... think about it - if you have to hurt and belittle others to make yourself feel good...then you really mustn't have anything good going for you at all

2. Low to mediocre skill sets... The only way bullies feel they can make themselves look good to others is to stomp on people that are better than them. People who aren't bullies excel and shine on their own.

3. No genuine friends... if your only friends are those who feel safe around you because you beat up on others - then you must be a pretty lonely person right?

4. No moral standards... whether you are religious, spiritual agnostic or atheist... most people believe in "doing unto others as you would have them do unto you" or "kharma" or whichever other name you choose... the point being this is the lowest common denominator of any moral or belief system... bullies haven't even got that.

In the face of bullying it is easy to feel maligned and to want revenge... but revenge always comes at a cost - and its usually a cost to one's health or well-being... nothing is worth compromising on that.

Whilst I do not advocate in letting bullies "get-away" with their wayward behaviour, sometimes, when all decent and logical action seems to have failed I advocate making the decision that best serves the needs of one's health and mental well-being over anything else.

It may appear that the bully has won, and you may feel like you have lost... but realistically in the end bullies never win...

A lifetime of solitude and inadequacy is never a win, so whilst bullies think they have won... nothing can change the inadequacy they feel inside and so again they are unhappy... until they find the next person to bully... but its never enough,

But if you are on the receiving end of someone's bullying, sometimes placing yourself in a new environment, with new people with a different energy means a potential new start for you... to excel and shine all over again.. and you will... as you always do...

Its not important what others think, whats important is how you feel... and life's to short not to feel happy as much as possible.

Blessings to all those of you that shine on your own... and to the bullies out there (not that you would be reading this) but enjoy loneliness, inadequacy, mediocrity and darkness - you've got it and its no less than you deserve!

Losing Control?

I have some clients that are experience extremely difficult situations in their lives and many times when we talk about what gets the down the most… the conversation seems to always revert back to the issues in their lives they have no control over: this is always what gets them down the most.

This is understandable. I’m a control freak and I hate the idea that so many things in my life are not just dependent on my actions but the actions of other people, be they work colleagues, family, friends or anybody!

An unexpected car accident… A work colleague having different ideas… A boss who is cranky… the weather… time interruptions… emergencies…. Whoa!!!

Quite often I have the feeling that everything is reeling out of control! Clients will come to me thinking that they can change things. They want to make things more within their control. How can I fix this? How can I bring things back to under my rule?

Unfortunately this is an unhelpful attitude. If I were to tell you that you can take control of absolutely everything in your life would really be just a big fat lie. You cant. Instead of changing the situation, in these circumstances, I find that its time to change my perception: to change my feeling.

Firstly I remind myself of the need to recognise and accept that there will always be things in life that can’t be controlled. That is just the nature of life and living.

Secondly, instead of adding up all the things I cant control in my life, I switch the focus and start listing the things that I can control. I try to make sure the list is a true list. I Include even the smallest of things that I have control over.

Thirdly, I take charge of the things I can control and start ticking them off my list. I am always surprised how good I feel once I start doing this.

For example, most people that know me know that I was living in a very small space for quite a number of years. I did not like unit living and the people in the units around me were very careless and dirty with the common areas. The body corporate were slack and would not send the cleaners or the repairers despite my constant harassing and I was becoming very depressed and angry about the situation.

I spent way to looking being upset and down... then it finally occurred to me I had to change my focus or I was just going to make myself sick. I could not move, so I had no control over where I lived and moving was not an option. I could not MAKE the body corporate do what they were supposed to do and send the cleaners. I realised that I was going to have to put up with a situation that was not ideal if I had to continue living there.

I decided to focus on something else. What I could control was my own space, so I listed ways I could make my unit and verandah look great. I also thought about what I could possibly do to make the common areas more tidy and safe. I bought a broom and swept away the debris and cleared some trees that were scratching some peoples cars. I also started talking to some other people to find out how we could go about changing the body corporate that wasn't really working for us.

I felt better immediately. Nothing had changed about the situation... only my focus had changed and it made all the difference. I felt like I had control. And for me that feeling is REALLY important... maybe its the same for you?